Blogging Criswell #3 - Hatching Jackets, Fatal Mixture of Teen Age Drugs, Women into Men, and Instant Cremation

"Blogging Criswell" is my look into the crazy, inaccurate world of famed self-proclaimed psychic and prognosticator Criswell, aka Jeron Criswell King, well known as a friend of b-movie legend Ed Wood. Every Friday, I share a few highlights from Criswell’s 1969 book "Criswell Predicts Your Next Ten Years" and offer a bit of commentary. The selections are not edited, so be aware this book is 45 years old and some of the terms and ideas may not strike modern sensibilites in a positive light.

This week on “Blogging Criswell” - Hatching Jackets! Fatal Mixture of Teen Age Drugs! Women Into Men! Instant Cremation!

HATCHING JACKETS
I predict insulated hatching jackets for pregnant women! These new jackets, hermetically sealed to protect against extreme cold or heat, with built-in medication and protection from pain, will be a boon to all expectant mothers! They will be smartly tailored in all the decorator’s colors, to match the eyes and complexion! This will be a big seller in the spring and summer of 1975!
(pg. 23)

Sure, because what woman wouldn’t want to wear something called a “hatching jacket?” Dames, chickens, same difference, amirite, fellas?

FATAL MIXTURE OF TEEN AGE DRUGS
I predict that the present teen age drug problem will end in dire tragedy! The climate changes will make many drug mixtures fatal, and rather than becoming vegetables upon use, the person will be the victim of death! The drugs will effect (sp) the juices in the body, and a gurgling death will result! I predict that over one million teen agers will die from deadly drugs, which climate will make more deadly still!
(pg. 25)

THE JUICES IN THE BODY! Yes! Why get more specific, Cris? Just wave it away with “juices.” Also, “teenage drugs made more deadly by climate change” sounds just, like, a mutant killer animal away from being a SyFy original movie.

WOMEN INTO MEN
I predict it will be a very common and inexpensive operation to change a woman into a man with the simple transplant of the sex organ! This grafting from a recently expired man, can take hold and not be rejected, as is a heart or kidney! A new series of male hormon shots can reduce the breasts, cause body hair to grow, the voice to deepen and the skin to roughen…and behold, a new man from the figure of a woman! The testis and penis can be grafted as easily as you would graft skin. Many women of an undecided mind can make the change!
(pg. 25)

Just how “inexpensive” did Criswell think that sex reassignment surg…wait, RECENTLY EXPIRED man? That seems a touch morbid. I’m surprised Cris didn’t predict we’d just be able to grow new sex organs in conveniently-located storefront clinics.

INSTANT CREMATION
I predict that within five years you can be instantly cremated! Your body will be placed in a metal box, a tiny bomb exploded, and a thimble full of ashes will be all that will remain of your earthly temple! This can be placed in a shot gun shell, shot into the air, and you will be scattered to the four winds! The cost will be $100 complete, including five copies of your death certificate, a cremation permit and a memorial service! Your relatives or friends must deliver your body to the crematory. However, all movement of a dead body by public transportation will be denied, due to the heavy street traffic!
(pg. 26)

What in the hell does the public transportation line have to do with, well, anything? What heavy street traffic? What are you talking about? Also, one would think that “heavy street traffic” would be pretty far down the list of “reasons you would be denied from moving a dead body via public transportation.”
I
really want to know how Criswell thinks this “tiny bomb” will be able to instantly cremate a full-sized human being, unless he think it’s a tiny atomic bomb.

See you again next week on “Blogging Criswell!”

"Blogging Criswell" is my look into the crazy, inaccurate world of famed self-proclaimed psychic and prognosticator Criswell, aka Jeron Criswell King, well known as a friend of b-movie legend Ed Wood. Every Friday, I share a few highlights from Criswell’s 1969 book "Criswell Predicts Your Next Ten Years" and offer a bit of commentary. The selections are not edited, so be aware this book is 45 years old and some of the terms and ideas may not strike modern sensibilites in a positive light.

This week on “Blogging Criswell” - Rebuilding of Women! Triumphant Tangle! Respect Will Triumph!

REBUILDING OF WOMEN
I predict a new science “Femology” (the rebuilding of women) will soon be most popular, where a woman can go into a free clinic and have her face lifted, a new hair line, reduce many, many pounds, have breasts reshaped and even a vaginal improvement! This new super-health-spa, with built-in diet and medical advice, will be a boon to all American women! Yes, there will be a national campaign of “rebuilding of women” in your life very, very soon!
(pg. 19)

First off, no, Criswell does not elaborate on what those, er, “improvements” might be. I love the total nuttiness of this prediction, but it’s pushed over the top by the appearance of our first illustration - yes, dear readers, every once in a while, “Criswell Predicts Your Next Ten Years” throws a weird illustration at you for some of the predictions. These are credited to Lewis N. Schilling, Jr., who appears to have no further art credits. Here’s a photo of the “Rebuilding of Women” illustration - and yes, they’re all this weird:

TRIUMPHANT TANGLE
I predict that a new wave of suicides among our youth will prove what a triumphant tangle they have made of their lives! They will know that they cannot fight the establishment. They are a part of it! The old fashioned precepts of God, Home, Mother and the American Flag are not old fashioned, but more alive, active and revered than ever before! The light in the forest is always there and we unconsciously walk in that direction! The night is dark and our youth is far from home, and it is our duty to at least point the way! The Establishment will never break, but people only break themselves against it!
(pg. 20)

Criswell does not appear to believe in the Oxford comma. And didn’t I tell you he’d get more mileage out of that “only break against it” line? Also, this is kind of a weird usage of the word “triumphant,” but whatever, C-well.
This prediction is a good example of the occasional viewpoints that drop in from time to time that we’d call “conservative” these days. Whether Criswell actually believed this or whether he was just writing to sell books to Joe Average American in his ranch house who didn’t understand these hippy dippy types, I’m not sure.
Also, I hate to point out that, if the light in the forest is always there and we unconsciously walk in that direction, why do we have to point the way for our youth? It’s almost as though Criswell was a bit nuts and didn’t always think these things through…

RESPECT WILL TRIUMPH
I predict respect will triumph and it will be a felony to transpose religious and national secular songs into other musical patterns, for either comic or insult purposes! The public will revolt against hearing “Eli, Eli,” “Ava (sp) Maria,” “Lead Kindly Light,” “America” and “The Star Spangled Banner” sung in drunken psychodelic style, and will demand that Congress enact this new law for respect!
(pg. 22)

The “drunken psychodelic style” might be my one of my favorite expressions now, and I want an excuse to work it into conversation.
This is another weirdly old-fashioned prediction, and I love the severity of it - a FELONY to sing religious or national songs in a less-than-totally-serious manner. Never stop being crazy, Criswell.

See you again next week on “Blogging Criswell!”

mfairchild

mfairchild:

How do I convince my coworkers to stop what they’re doing and go get pancakes with me?

I have no idea why (probably lack of sleep last night), but when I just glanced at this status I read the “maybe some hashbrowns” tag as “maybe some hashtroopers” and now I’m imagining a crappy ’80s Saturday morning action cartoon called Hash Troopers that would be on right after Transformers or something and there’s all these anthropomorphic hashbrown aliens from space who have to help humans battle some kind of evil force.

So thank you for this utterly glorious daydream I’m having. Somebody needs to invent this television property.

Ooooh maybe there’s some kind of intergalactic civil war between the shredded race of Hash Troopers and the patty race of Hash Troopers.