I spent some time last night watching Roland Emmerich’s “2012” because I was a little tipsy and I am a fan of bad movies. And OH MY GOD you have no idea. I was genuinely speechless at just how much incredible stupidity I watched. Emmerich took basically EVERY DISASTER EVER and then invented a few and then CRAMMED THEM ALL IN to what I think was a SEVENTEEN-HOUR MOVIE featuring fault lines chasing John Cusack like it was a slasher movie. JOHN CUSACK DRIVES A LIMO THROUGH A COLLAPSING SKYSCRAPER and then CALIFORNIA FALLS OFF INTO THE OCEAN and then John Cusack steals an RV from Woody Harrelson and THE ENTIRETY OF YELLOWSTONE PARK BLOWS UP AT ONCE and Cusack has to OUTRUN YELLOWSTONE in a FLAMING RV and then get in a plane that FALLS INTO THE EARTH AND FLIES OUT then HAWAII TURNS TO A MOLTEN HELLSCAPE and AMERICA IS WIPED OUT BY THE YELLOWSTONE EXPLOSION and EVERY CONTINENT ON EARTH SHIFTS 1,500 MILES and MILES-HIGH TIDAL WAVES WIPE OUT COUNTRIES. And the tidal wave hits Washington, D.C. where PRESIDENT DANNY GLOVER watches as it heads straight for the White House and then because a MILES-HIGH TIDAL WAVE isn’t enough the tidal wave PICKS UP AN AIRCRAFT CARRIER and throws it DIRECTLY INTO THE WHITE HOUSE. And then Cusack heads to GIGANTIC FUTURE ARKS filled with RICH PEOPLE and TWO OF EVERY KIND OF ANIMAL that are launched from the Himalayas and OLIVER PLATT argues with CHIWETEL FREAKING EJIOFOR FROM SERENITY and then a dog ALMOST DIES BUT DOESN’T and then AIR FORCE ONCE CRASHES INTO THE ARK and then JOHN CUSACK HAS TO SAVE THE ARK FROM CRASHING INTO MT. EVEREST. It is SO AMAZINGLY STUPID and you must be drunk if you ever want to spend the seventeen hours to watch this long, stupid movie and WHY IS THERE NOT A RIFFTRAX FOR IT YET.