Blogging Criswell #3 - Hatching Jackets, Fatal Mixture of Teen Age Drugs, Women into Men, and Instant Cremation
"Blogging Criswell" is my look into the crazy, inaccurate world of famed self-proclaimed psychic and prognosticator Criswell, aka Jeron Criswell King, well known as a friend of b-movie legend Ed Wood. Every Friday, I share a few highlights from Criswell’s 1969 book "Criswell Predicts Your Next Ten Years" and offer a bit of commentary. The selections are not edited, so be aware this book is 45 years old and some of the terms and ideas may not strike modern sensibilites in a positive light.
This week on “Blogging Criswell” - Hatching Jackets! Fatal Mixture of Teen Age Drugs! Women Into Men! Instant Cremation!
I predict insulated hatching jackets for pregnant women! These new jackets, hermetically sealed to protect against extreme cold or heat, with built-in medication and protection from pain, will be a boon to all expectant mothers! They will be smartly tailored in all the decorator’s colors, to match the eyes and complexion! This will be a big seller in the spring and summer of 1975!
Sure, because what woman wouldn’t want to wear something called a “hatching jacket?” Dames, chickens, same difference, amirite, fellas?
FATAL MIXTURE OF TEEN AGE DRUGS
I predict that the present teen age drug problem will end in dire tragedy! The climate changes will make many drug mixtures fatal, and rather than becoming vegetables upon use, the person will be the victim of death! The drugs will effect (sp) the juices in the body, and a gurgling death will result! I predict that over one million teen agers will die from deadly drugs, which climate will make more deadly still!
THE JUICES IN THE BODY! Yes! Why get more specific, Cris? Just wave it away with “juices.” Also, “teenage drugs made more deadly by climate change” sounds just, like, a mutant killer animal away from being a SyFy original movie.
WOMEN INTO MEN
I predict it will be a very common and inexpensive operation to change a woman into a man with the simple transplant of the sex organ! This grafting from a recently expired man, can take hold and not be rejected, as is a heart or kidney! A new series of male hormon shots can reduce the breasts, cause body hair to grow, the voice to deepen and the skin to roughen…and behold, a new man from the figure of a woman! The testis and penis can be grafted as easily as you would graft skin. Many women of an undecided mind can make the change!
Just how “inexpensive” did Criswell think that sex reassignment surg…wait, RECENTLY EXPIRED man? That seems a touch morbid. I’m surprised Cris didn’t predict we’d just be able to grow new sex organs in conveniently-located storefront clinics.
I predict that within five years you can be instantly cremated! Your body will be placed in a metal box, a tiny bomb exploded, and a thimble full of ashes will be all that will remain of your earthly temple! This can be placed in a shot gun shell, shot into the air, and you will be scattered to the four winds! The cost will be $100 complete, including five copies of your death certificate, a cremation permit and a memorial service! Your relatives or friends must deliver your body to the crematory. However, all movement of a dead body by public transportation will be denied, due to the heavy street traffic!
What in the hell does the public transportation line have to do with, well, anything? What heavy street traffic? What are you talking about? Also, one would think that “heavy street traffic” would be pretty far down the list of “reasons you would be denied from moving a dead body via public transportation.”
I really want to know how Criswell thinks this “tiny bomb” will be able to instantly cremate a full-sized human being, unless he think it’s a tiny atomic bomb.
See you again next week on “Blogging Criswell!”